Change can bring out the best or the worst in all of us. I am sure that you realize that unspoken expectations are the root of many upsets, disagreements and feelings of unfairness in relationships. It is so easy to say that we know that we each have strengths and weaknesses but using that knowledge to strengthen a relationship after the kids leave the nest or retirement finally happens is something completely different.
Routines in general are comfortable and we have learned over time that assuming things will happen just because “that’s the way we have done it for “x” number of years just plain doesn’t always work for us. It was really hard to break the mold of what we “should be doing” according to our family and peer group and what we wanted to do. Recent research highlights that people are happiest doing the things they love to do and being near those activities. We found that RV travel allows us to be near nature in a comfortable setting AND keep the routines that we like and work for us.
When I talk with friends, the biggest reasons one person ends up doing a lion’s share of things is two-fold. One, one person has always done it and “knows how to do it best”. Two, someone drops the ball after agreeing to do something and trust becomes an issue. Plan for this! It took us 3 years of little steps to get to where we sold our large home, closed our business and redefined our life on our terms.
How we make it work
The Big Stuff- We created a three year plan to get to the point where we had the budget to RV travel with some part time work to supplement. This meant selling a large home, closing a business, creating new work and letting go of a LOT of stuff…emotional and physical. It was super scary and exciting at the same time. We wrote our goals down, created lists and gave each other duties to accomplish. We had a mutual goal and we achieved it Dec. 31, 2018.
Keeping our relationship strong- Each year on our anniversary, we sit down and tell each other what was great about the past year. We tell each other what we want/need to do for ourselves personally AND what we each would like to continue or do differently for the next year. We clearly state how this would look to us and how it will happen and if we agree it is placed on our shared calendar. Some of our past outcomes- One year it was have one official date night each month. Another year, it was learn or do a new activity together each month. This year a DVD for learning dances and cooking with herbs is sitting in our RV.
The little stuff- Sometimes a quick verbal discussion on what our expectations are for a given topic is needed. For example, when we are departing and arriving in the RV we created laminated cards for departure and arrival duties with our RV.
The upside of better communication and sharing of life’s daily chores is that when everything is running smoothly and we each have defined tasks we have found we have a lot more free time. We make sure we have each other’s back on all the tasks that we are assigned by looking at the sheet when we arrive and depart …EACH TIME. I (Pamela) know that I am easily distrac….”OH, Look at that Squirrel!”
Super Helpful Tool–> We keep a shared google calendar (CalenGoo) that shares our appointment info with each other on our phones and we use it to “claim our tasks” and let the other partner knows what is happening each day. Super easy and really cuts down on miscommunication.
We acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses and sometimes have to remind ourselves that fair doesn’t always mean equal. Also, we own this quote “ If you think you are the only one that can do it right…then you can’t gripe about doing everything.”
Bottom line . This is your time to create a new story or give your current life story a plot twist. Everyone gets tired of reruns of certain shows on TV… why would we expect to feel differently about our lives from time to time?